Did I just got excited over the fact that he asked my cousin (our common friend) if I have a boyfriend? What the hell, maybe it’s just curiosity that’s why he’s asking.

I don’t want to get excited because I know I’ll just get rejected.

I went to his place after more than two weeks of not seeing him. He cooked food. He didn’t use the newspaper as placemat but a rather fancy green disposable one. We had wine. Watched two movies. Nothing happened, no sex. I wish we could’ve been more than what we are right now.

I’m just happy to know that I still crossed his mind. After not talking to him for 5 days, he texted me tonight just to say goodnight. I’m very happy that he remembers me. Good thing I didn’t send him a text message first because I was planning to send one. Fucking happy right now! Can’t stop grinning. I know there’s no future in it for me but I’m just glad.

I hate it when I send him a text message first because I don’t like the idea of me chasing him. And sometimes he replies to my text messages and other times he don’t. So the last time I talked to him was Friday afternoon and we had a good conversation on I will be teaching him how to ride a bicycle (that conversation went well, I think). Before I went to bed that night, I sent him a text message, “Goodnight”, but he didn’t reply. So over the weekend I never sent him a single text message and I actually promised myself not to speak to him unless he text me first and never to expect anything from him. But early tonight (Monday), I sent him a one word message - the word that we call each other with. So he replied to me “Hi S…” and I asked him how he is. He told me he is working right now and he also asked me how was I. And I told him I was tired and he should not work too much and he responded, “Yes, I know”. After his reply, I didn’t respond to him, but to my surprise he sent me a message after a couple of hours saying goodnight.

I’m happy but I shouldn’t be…

I’m afraid to find out one day that I will never again feel the excitement of being in love; that euphoric feeling that comes with it; or how my heart skips a beat; or how I blush with the mention of the person that I’m in love with. I’m afraid that you left me with an irreparable heart.