The past 5 months of my life consisted of events that I sworn, up to that point that I wouldn’t do. I did not really regret the wrong, drunken decision I made on the night I stripped my clothes off in front of a man I didn’t even know, except for his name. I know it was very wrong and please believe me when I say that I’m not the type of person who do those kind of things. I am ashamed of myself, but not really, no (haha). But I swear at that night on his bed, talking to him, I never felt anymore happy, daring, and above all free for many years. It felt like I was free for the first time and it was all because of him, his initiation, his sexual advances that set me free from myself. It was the feeling that I could begin again with my life after my ex left me. So, was it wrong for me to want him? No, wait… no. Is it wrong for me to hope that he wants or like me? I constantly asked myself, why can’t he like me? And the problem starts there. The problem is my obsession to the idea of him wanting me. I want him to like me, but I for myself have to admit that I don’t have any feelings for him. I want him though. I think I want the idea of someone loving me again. And it feels like he can see through me, all the lies and hesitations. But tonight, I will stop all of these pathetic things that I have been doing. I will just let fate takes its course. Goodbye.

You shook my hands halfway and limply when you said your hellos but you greeted the person beside me with a kiss on both cheek. What’s even worse was that while you were shaking my hands you were looking at her as if you couldn’t wait to kissed her.

You told me on the night that you broke up with me that you don’t want to have anything to do with me. You advised me to burn the bridge, to forget about you… to forget about us. And that’s what I did. It took me over a year to completely washed you away from my system. It was the most excruciating months in my life with the constant cycle of feeling okay and being on a depressive state (from hearing any news of you) again. Eventually, I felt better and now I could talk about you without feeling any resentments. I know that I am not and will not be completely over you and it is fine. I am fine with that because you taught me a lot of things about life and because of you I decided to make a lot of changes in my life. But that doesn’t mean that I want to have anything to do with you. Don’t go on thinking that I am still in love with you because truth is, I don’t have any shred of feelings for you anymore. Bye, Mine.

Did I just got excited over the fact that he asked my cousin (our common friend) if I have a boyfriend? What the hell, maybe it’s just curiosity that’s why he’s asking.

I don’t want to get excited because I know I’ll just get rejected.

I went to his place after more than two weeks of not seeing him. He cooked food. He didn’t use the newspaper as placemat but a rather fancy green disposable one. We had wine. Watched two movies. Nothing happened, no sex. I wish we could’ve been more than what we are right now.

I’m just happy to know that I still crossed his mind. After not talking to him for 5 days, he texted me tonight just to say goodnight. I’m very happy that he remembers me. Good thing I didn’t send him a text message first because I was planning to send one. Fucking happy right now! Can’t stop grinning. I know there’s no future in it for me but I’m just glad.